Posted in Picture, Writing

The Royal Wedding – I Am All Up in Dis Bitch

In less than two weeks time I will be in London, hopefully drunk, possibly pissing behind some foliage and definitely watching Prince William and Kate Middleton getting married on a big screen – because, my friends, I am going to Camp Royale in Clapham Common. For three magnificent days, this park will be turned into a campsite with the sole purpose of Royal Wedding perving. You are provided with a free cup of Yorkshire Tea every morning, hot showers, “attractive fencing”, phone charging points and 24 hour security against those stabby London-types you hear about in the news. It’s like T in the Park for losers and I, for one, cannot wait for the utter restrained madness.

I love the Royal Family. As a Scottish person this may seem like a bit of a controversial statement but I shit all over that controversy. I am also one to sell out my patriotic ideals for free tea and a toilet that doesn’t have used sanitary towels stuck precariously to the ceiling causing my bowels to retreat into my throat and stay there trembling in fear for the whole bloody weekend (yes V Festival ’99, I am talking to you – not cool).  I also doubt that I will witness a drunk, generic teenage girl taking a dump up against a wall whilst clinging desperately to a glass of champagne, or a young gentleman falling on someone’s tent, breaking it, spewing on it, standing up, pissing on it, falling back onto it and instantly going to sleep in his own lumpy juices (to be fair, those last two examples were from T in the Park ’07 so all in all, pretty impressed with the high standard of behaviour).

Probably the main reason I love the Royal Family is because they are so mental they make my family look like the Waltons.  Prince Philip – my favourite by a mile – is a racist, sexist, homophobic liability who never fails to say the wrong thing at the right time. It’s nice to see that, no matter how much money you have, literally no one can escape that embarrassingly inappropriate grandparent. If anyone else said the things he said I would get seriously violent but when he says them I just want to give him a Werther’s Original and a pat on the head. Here are some examples of some real things that he really said:

Love you!
  • To two Aborigine tribes in Australia – “Djabugay, Yirrganydji, what’s it all about? Do you still throw spears at each other?”
  • When asked if he would like to visit The Soviet Union -“The bastards murdered half my family.”
  • To a driving instructor in Scotland – “How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?”
  • To a Mr Patel at a reception for 400 British Indian businessmen at Buckingham Palace – “There’s a lot of your family in tonight.”
  • To a group of British students in China – “If you stay here much longer, you’ll all be slitty-eyed.”
  • After accepting a gift from a Kenyan woman – “You are a woman, aren’t you?”
  • To a group of deaf children standing next to a Jamaican steel drum band – “Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf.”
  • To a 13-year-old aspiring astronaut – “Well, you’ll never fly in it, you’re too fat to be an astronaut.”
  • Talking about his daughter, Princess Anne – “If it doesn’t fart or eat hay, she isn’t interested.”


"I smell shit/Lady Gaga"

The Queen, on the other hand, is so devoid of personality it’s almost admirable. She spends her entire life walking around like someone just took a massive turd on her face. If it wasn’t for her amazingly coordinated old-lady outfits and exquisitely well-crafted false teeth I would probably forget she even existed. I did applaud her restraint, however, when she met Lady Gaga at the Royal Variety Show wearing that monstrosity of an outfit. She was wearing a fucking ruff!! Does she think Blackadder is a documentary and that ruffs are mandatory attire for royal engagements? Or was she trying to be clever? In which case, don’t take the piss out of the Queen, Lady Gaga – because you won’t win. If I was the Queen I would have cut her balls off and threw her in the Tower of London.


Prince Harry is also a favourite of mine, partly because I think he is going to be our generation’s Prince Philip and partly because I want to do him. Even so, what the hell was he thinking wearing a Nazi costume to a fancy dress party? No matter what angle you look at it, that was a bad decision. I feel a bit sorry for him though, I think he just wants to be a normal boy but he’s not allowed. I’ve seen interviews with him and he actually has banter, it’s a shame he’ll spend the rest of his life trying, and probably failing, to restrain that part of his personality.

Andrew and Edward? Or is it Edward and Andrew? I don't know, let's just call them "a pair of cunts".

Now for the other two, Edward and Andrew – I’m not going to lie, I have no idea which one is which. They both look the same, talk the same and dress the same, however one is fairly innocuous and the other one likes to hang around with paedos and has a ginger mess of an ex-wife who looks like an alcoholic shoe – Yet another example of bad judgment from this undoubtedly affected family. Everyone fucks up, I agree, but when you are a member of one of the most scrutinised families in the entire world, the sheer volume of fuck-ups they have been responsible for can only be attributed to clinical insanity. That is why I love the Royal Family – they prove to us civilians on a near daily basis that no matter if you’re well-bred and rolling in money or one of those dirty minks who puts their living-room furniture in the front garden when the sun comes out – people are all fundamentally selfish skanks incapable of controlling their urges. If the Royal Family were as ‘perfect’ as everyone wanted them to be, they would be nowhere near as fun and they wouldn’t make me feel so good about my relatively low-level dysfunction.

I want to taste her baking.

The only exception to this is Prince William. He seems to be the only one with any sense in that family. The poor guy must wake up every day, take a look at Charles, Philip, the Queen and the chemically-preserved horse’s ball-sack that took the place of his mother and wonder which disabled child he drop-kicked in a past life to deserve this. That’s why I’m so glad he’s marrying Kate Middleton. She seems pretty sane and is possibly the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. She looks like she’s good with kids and smells of daffodils.  She makes a refreshing change from all the tacky, materialistic, overdone cock-gobblers with the dead eyes and obvious self-esteem issues and proves to little girls that you don’t have to look like the month old corpse of a gypsy-prostitute-clown to be beautiful.

The other reason that I’m a fan is because, without a monarchy, I think British culture would be pretty weak. Yes Scotland has kilts and bagpipes, Ireland has Guinness and shamrocks, Wales has……..leek hats (?) and England has……..stuff, but when other countries think of Britain as a whole, I sometimes wonder what characteristics they associate with the UK. Morris dancing? Beefeaters? Tea & scones? I’m fucking zoning out here! When I think of Britain as a colour, I think of a dull medieval puddle brown. Our food is so bland that our national dish – Chicken Tikka Masala – is a rip off of Indian food and even our weather is meh. Over the centuries the Royal Family has added some much needed colour to British culture. It has provided the world with a bit of historical authority, humour, scandal, mental illness, excess, hereditary disease, war, wealth – a bit of fucking excitement! When all this Royal Wedding stuff first came about, Prince William and Kate Middleton said they didn’t want it to be a flash affair because they don’t want to rub in the fact they have loads of money in today’s ‘economic climate’. That’s really nice of them and everything but for fuck’s sake!! All I hear about nowadays is how no one has any money, the cost of living is going up, the property market is plummeting, Libya is falling apart, Japan is getting nailed by tsunamis every 5 minutes – it’s making me want to kill myself! I want something to cheer me up. I want an over the top, shiny, happy Royal Wedding. I want unicorn on a spit, baby panda slow-roasted in a swan sauce, naked virgins dancing on rugs made from polar bear. Self-indulgence is about the only thing this lot are good at, so come on, make it happen!

Admit it, our Royal Family kicks ass. It is one of the most celebrated institutions in the world – everyone knows about the British Royal Family but not a lot of people know that Morocco or even Spain has a monarchy. They’ve been through (and achieved) a lot since their establishment and without them all we’d have to show for ourselves would be old men with bad teeth dancing with sticks in a beige puddle eating stolen curry. We should be glad that the Windsor’s and their ancestors are here to take the focus off all the shit things we have to offer the world – and before anyone gets all up in my grill about the fabulous, ground-breaking inventions that Britain has given the world, you only need to watch an episode of Dragon’s Den to see that that ship has sailed. Reggae Reggae Sauce is the best thing we’ve come up with since penicillin and it tastes like baboon gouch.

Yeah I did. Ebay, £12.99, free delivery.
Posted in Picture, Video, Writing

Lady Gaga Touched Me and Now I Have Aids

Things I hate and why:
Disease-ridden, sausage-smuggling fucktard – Lady Gaga.


-She looks (and I’m pretty sure smells) like she’s been dead for over a week. Someone needs to spray her with Febreeze. The advert says that it is for awkward objects that are difficult to wash, and I don’t think I’ve seen anything more awkward than Lady Gaga – she dances like a drunk, Downs Syndrome baby giraffe.

-She is so emaciated that her teeth are constantly exposed because she doesn’t have enough skin to stretch over them. There is literally nothing that annoys me more than people whose faces are so malformed that they are physically incapable of closing their mouths so they just walk around all day with a stupid tooth face.

-She uses the word ‘paw’ instead of ‘hand’ (e.g. “Put your paws in the air”, a real sentence that she really said). She clearly does not know the difference between paws and hands so I propose that we put her in that little meat dress she wore to highlight gay rights (still don’t see the connection) and kick her into the lion enclosure of the nearest zoo. I’m pretty sure she will die knowing exactly what a paw is and that can only be progress.

-Her boyfriend is the most smoking hot thing I’ve ever seen. If I ever got my hands on him he’d wish he was never born. I’d ruin him.

But there is no need for me to bore you with written explanations as to why she is such a mong-chote when she does such a wonderful job of demonstrating it herself in this ear-bleeding, eye-melting, fan-made tribute video:

 You know who was also ‘just being himself’?  Hitler.


Things I love and why:
Hilarious children’s programme and recipient of the British Comedy Award for Best Sketch Show – Horrible Histories.




Here’s the problem though. If Lady Gaga’s new video is anything to go by, turns out that she is actually the Grim Reaper from Stupid Deaths, one of my favourite sketches in Horrible Histories, and I am not happy about it.


Note the stupid tooth face.

Is nothing mine, Lady Gaga?  Could you not just let me have that?  It’s CBBC for fuck’s sake, if I can’t get away from your Hepatitis spores there then where can I go?  There really is only one place pure and fragrant enough to protect me from the Gaga’s omnipresent sticky residue – Kate Middleton’s bosom.  I wonder if she will let me nestle in there when I go to her wedding/get drunk in a London park next month…….Hold me Kate, hold me!

Posted in Link, Writing

Xbox Kinect – In a Word: ‘Schmeh’

Since it is only a matter of days until the release of Kinect, I thought I would attempt to be useful and share my thoughts on the new addition to the wallet-raping, user-friendly Microsoft family. Back in August, as part of my birthday treat, I got to attend the Xbox Kinect trials in London’s Covent Garden with Billy and my mum for 30 minutes of intimate alone time with what could potentially be my new lover.

We were greeted at the door by a campsite, I had no idea Kinect had such a huge gay following. A beautiful man with perfect hair and trousers so tight I could see what he had for breakfast approached us and introduced himself as Jonathan before grabbing my hand and skipping towards a stage.  He was putting on a headset. Oh god, please don’t put on a headset.  I don’t like participating in things that involve headsets. Turns out we were a ‘smidge’ early so “Wouldn’t it be great to kill ten minutes by trying out the Kinect on this here stage?”.  I grudgingly agreed but it wasn’t until I was up there I realized that the fire exit doors onto Covent Garden were wide open and people were, in fact, paying attention to what was going on inside.  Then it happened……..the intro to Poker Face by my nemesis, Lady Gaga, blasted out into the room and I panicked.  I asked Jonathan what the hell was going on and he replied “Oh, it’s our new dance game called ‘Dance Central’ and it’s starting right about now…..and left and right, come on, jump and step….”. I wanted to die a little bit but I’m not gonna lie, by half way through you couldn’t get me off the stage.  Until, that was, he said these words: “Okay, now here comes the freestyle bit, you just do whatever you want, I think it would look great if you did something a bit sexy, show me sexy girlfriend!”.  I just looked at Billy like a rabbit in the headlights. He knows what happens when I try to do sexy. Thankfully right at that moment our private room was ready so I ran away from him. I don’t even think he noticed.

We arrived at our room which was (thankfully) much less eventful, and got stuck into three games:
Kinect Joyride
Kinect Adventures
Kinect Sports

You may notice that the titles of these games sound a bit familiar.  Replace the word ‘Kinect’ with ‘Wii’ and you could be looking at a list of avatar games released by Nintendo. I wish that was where the similarities ended. Like the Wii, you are in control of an avatar but instead of using a wand you use your hand. Joyride is a driving game in which you hold an imaginary steering wheel to drive around. Adventures is a duck and jump type game with rapids and obstacle courses and Sports is……well you can guess; the usual bowling, hurdles etc.  I was so confused!  Surely they knew that we would notice? Could they just not be arsed?

Having only avatar games to choose from at the trials makes it hard for me to form a fair opinion on just how worthwhile a purchase the Kinect will be.  Thankfully though there are other games in the Kinect collection that will be more suited to the controller-free selling point, and I think it will come into its own as a fitness aid.  The ability to participate without having to hold a sweaty wand in your hand will probably ensure that the Kinect will be preferred by weirdo fitness freaks the world over.  There is no need for a board or anything, you just do what the game tells you to and BAM, you’re thin. Unfortunately this also means that there will be a reduction in the amount of articles in The Sun discussing the latest child to get nailed in the face by a flying controller but you’ve got to take the good with the bad I suppose.  

One thing that did surprise me was how well the sensors worked.  I was prepared for frustration when it didn’t do the things I wanted it to, but there was none of that.  The device works well and so allows you to focus entirely on the game instead of worrying about where that fucking Wii hand icon thing has gone. At one point I scratched my nose and my avatar did too! Yes, I am that easily impressed!  

I don’t know how they are going to approach any RPG games that they may release.  They could be great, and I hope they are, but I have a feeling that they probably won’t be.  I really liked Zelda on the Wii so it can be done but I think, at least for the moment, keeping the focus on lifestyle games is probably a clever move.  The Dance Central game was shit-hot and has given me the GREATEST idea. Imagine, everyone buys the Kinect and practices the dance to Bell Biv Devoe’s Poison. You could turn up at a club, get the DJ to stick it on and voilà, the entire club is spontaneously performing the same routine.  It would be like a scene from High School Musical except not shit! Let’s do it!            

Looking back, I did enjoy the day but was disappointed at how little Microsoft had moved away from the Wii with their signature games.  Fitness and dancing games aside, the fact that you don’t have a controller is not an original enough concept to stand on its own.  There are quiet mumblings of 3D graphics being incorporated into the Kinect so I am going to view this as a kind of midway point between the Atari and a full on Holodeck.  Slowly but surely we are getting there, and at the end of the day I am going buy one anyway, Lady Gaga and I have some unfinished business to attend to.  

A respectable but slightly disappointing 3 fists from me: 

For your viewing pleasure.  A very flattering video of Billy and I participating in the Xbox Kinect trials in London:

Jillian & Billy – Xbox Kinect Trials