Well, after posting my complaint letter on this page last week I decided it would be a waste not to email it to iTunes……4 times. I sent it to their UK, US and Guatemalan customer service departments as well as their general customer feedback department. Admittedly the Guatemalan one was an accidental, over-excited click on my part but I’m sure reading my letter would have made a refreshing change from bumming Llamas or whatever it is that Guatemalans do.
To my surprise I actually received a reply from the UK iTunes customer service department and this is what they said.*
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.
Baroness Gladys McGinty III from the iTunes store here. I’m sorry for any inconvenience you have experienced. I would like to provide further assistance but I was unable to determine the nature of your inquiry based on the information you have provided, please reply to this email with more information about the issue you are experiencing as well as the text of any error messages you may be receiving.
I also encourage you to use the iTunes Feedback page to submit your comments. Your efforts to share your feedback are very much appreciated.
If there is anything I can help you with Jillian, please do not hesitate to reply. Have a great day!
Baroness Gladys McGinty III
iTunes Store Customer Support
She said have a great day. She said it sarcastically. I like her.
What the fuck is your problem? Were you abused as a child? Was your uncle some sort of salivating paedo? I only ask because I want an explanation for why you feel the need to behave like a total cock every minute of every day. I am writing to let you know that it is no longer acceptable and it ends here.
I will start by addressing the endless ‘ping-pong’-ing noise you make every 10 seconds when my iPhone is connected to you. It’s like the electronic equivalent of open-mouth breathing right next to my ear when I am trying to watch TV. From now on you will ‘ping pong’ once and once only and this will function as a signal to me that I have successfully connected my device to you. I appreciate how amusing it must be to watch me spend all afternoon going “Oh good it’s connected………oh wait, no it’s not……..it is now……….okay now it’s not” but when I am half way through transferring a movie you are in danger of causing me to self harm – and not in an atmospheric, Twilighty way, I mean like I want to ram blunt cutlery into my eyeballs.
Next thing we are going to deal with is your worrying inability to stop yourself from syncing. It’s as if you can’t even control yourself, like you’re some sort of syncing junkie. Just calm the fuck down! I will sync when I am ready, it is not up to you and it’s not a fucking race. It wouldn’t be so bad if good things happened when you sync but good things never happen. The other week I spent two entire days transferring various entertainments onto you, only for you to sync like an absolute gypsy and decide that, in fact, two-thirds of these files needed to be taken off. I am also pretty sure that you regularly wait until I’m asleep before syncing like a horny teenager. You disgust me.
Also, for something whose main purpose in life is to transfer music, you make it Krypton-Factor impossible. I am not a software designer but if someone asked me to design a package that transferred music from one device to another, call me retarded but I would probably put a ‘transfer’ button somewhere pretty obvious. I had to google how to transfer music and even then it became clear that no one in this universe has a fucking clue how to do it. In reverse order, here are the top 5 suggestions that your users are offering me:
5. Click ‘manually manage music’ then drag and drop – Rarely works
4. Tick the boxes next to the songs then go to the drop down menu and click ‘export’ – Never works
3. Go on a journey of self-discovery, learn a martial art, consult the Dalai Lama – Can’t be arsed
2. Genocide – Go on, I’m listening……
1. You cannot transfer music using iTunes – High five
Okay, I will admit that I am slightly exaggerating and that there have been occasions when the exact songs I wanted have transferred over without removing things I didn’t want removed. I have to stress though that in 18 months this has happened twice and both times I don’t know what I did. What normally happens is I will click ‘manually manage music’, drag and drop one song (because, believe it or not, sometimes I only want to add one song) and you say “Yeah, that’s totally fine, just give me a minute while I delete the entire music library from your phone first and then I will put it on for you”. You’re an arsehole!!
Oh yeah, I am on to you iTunes. I’ve seen your type a hundred times. Bullied as a child for having a misshapen head and badly fitting jeans. You’re bitter and vindictive and you need help. I suggest investing in some counselling and we will take it from there. We can start slowly, nothing major, maybe try something simple like taking less than 6 FUCKING MONTHS to back up my iPad. In the meantime, I hate you. Goodbye.
At the time of writing there were 34,936 apps for the iPad. I have used about 30 of these. If you are looking for an informative, exhaustive review of the apps currently available for the iPad, this is going to be the biggest disappointment since Raoul Moat’s killing “spree”. If however you are looking for an uninformative, limited review of my own personal favourite apps…………you’re a fucking weirdo, get off my lawn.
VLC – If you don’t have this app, this is what will happen to you:
Whilst trying to transfer a very, very legal download of South Park series 13 onto your iPad, iTunes will basically tell you to go and fist yourself. You will try for days to bypass iTunes and its all encompassing power to destroy your life. You will fail. After admitting defeat you will spend three more days converting your files to a format deemed acceptable by iTunes by means of a ‘free’ software package. Finally, and with a huge sigh of relief, you will click ‘transfer’. You will receive the following message: “Thank you for choosing our software to convert your video files. In order to transfer the files onto your device you will need to upgrade to our full version which will cost £1,000,000. It’s okay though, we use Paypal so it will be convenient and hassle free!”. Hours later you will be spotted skipping naked down the high street wearing a sock puppet on one hand and flinging shit at passing old ladies with the other, occasionally stopping to eat your own hair whilst poking yourself in the eye with your toe.
For the love of God, get this app. No one likes sock puppets.
TV CATCHUP – This app basically turns the iPad into a TV by means of witchcraft. Very handy if you like a moan at your boyfriend for watching Babestation when Snog, Marry, Avoid is on. It shows most of the decent channels including Dave (most important) but the picture quality can be pretty poor at times and because it is shown live, you can’t rewind anything if you’ve missed the beginning. All in all though the good out-weighs the bad and anything that can magically turn something into a TV gets 5 stars from me. Now if they could only apply this TV magic to the back of my head, Billy would die a happy man.
DISCOVER – This is a Wikipedia app presented in the form of a magazine. It has a photo of the day, an article of the day and all the encyclopaedia articles you could ever want. It’s also in HD which makes me feel warm inside. There isn’t much use for it on a daily basis but I think it would be good to have on a train or the Megabus. Although, I wouldn’t recommend waving an iPad around on a Megabus, that would be like waving around a quarterpounder with cheese in a Malawian orphanage.
iPERIOD – This is an app that keeps track of your periods. I have found to my surprise that this app is more popular with men. One of my guy friends whipped it out the other day when trying to organise a golfing trip with his brother saying “Well, the wife will be shedding the tears of a disappointed uterus next weekend so it would be nice to get out of the house for a couple of days”.
GAMES – As you can probably guess there are no real epics for the iPad so don’t expect to devote more than a couple of hours of your life in order to complete a game. There are still a few that are worth a look though, my three favourites are:
SPARKLE HD: One of those blow-up-a-chain-of-coloured-balls type games favoured the world over by lonely housewives with bingo addictions. This one is actually very good, the music sounds like it’s from Beetlejuice and the HD graphics are immense.
HARBOUR MASTER HD: Pretty simple but highly addictive. You have to move boats about so they don’t crash into each other. I wish I had more to add but that is literally it.
VIRTUAL VILLAGERS 3: I am fully aware that this is a shitty sim game but there is something kind of 90’s about it that makes me happy. You land on a deserted island and have to make sure your villagers survive by building stuff, finding food, making babies, etc. Completely pointless, but there was a time when all computer games were pointless and, well, sometimes I just miss those days.
While I am on the subject of games, I’m not really a fan of Angry Birds. Am I the only person in the universe who feels this way?…………….Besides you, Tumbleweed.
PHOTO SLIDESHOW – Not technically an app, just something the iPad can do. You can use your iPad as a kind of picture frame that changes photo every few seconds via an unfolding origami-type display. It’s pretty cool to watch and a nice idea I suppose but I can’t help wonder when we are expected to use it. Can you imagine taking it into your office and setting it up next to your monitor, leaving it to show random photos of your family on their last skiing trip? Seriously, imagine how much of a dick you would look. I tried it out in the privacy of my own home and it didn’t really work out. These are the first four photos that came up: A photo of a naked doll that I found on the side of a mountain in Skye that looked like a dead baby, a picture of my dog trying to hump another dog’s face, a picture of Hitler with a speech bubble saying “I blame the parents” and a photo of a dead bird in a ziplock bag stuck to a wall by a magnet. If I worked in an office I would be eating my lunch alone.
So there you go, a few of the apps that have earned a place on my homescreen. I could honestly keep going, I have another ten apps that I use but for those of you who don’t have an iPad this blog entry is hardly a page-turner so I will spare you the torture of reading about amazing things that you will never have. I feel like the parent of a high-achieving child; so much to say but no one really gives a fuck. I think I’m going to start going to coffee mornings with other iPad owners. Call me.