Posted in Writing

12 Things That Should Be Banned Immediately

1. The phrase “raising awareness”

People are just throwing this around willy-nilly, pretending to care about obscure diseases when the only awareness going on is brand awareness. We’re not stupid, giving away free hair extensions to ‘raise awareness of hair trauma issues’ and then paying Facebook Ads to get traffic is the biggest load of nonsense I’ve ever come across.

Raise this

2. Animals that look like plants

Nope

3. Publicly shaming people who feed ducks bread

Oh look, here’s a picture of a young mum who barely has the strength to feed herself, trying to take her kid to the park and create memories even though she would rather be asleep/dead. Let me comment on the photo of them feeding bread to the ducks about how bread is, in actual fact, not good for them and they should be fed seeds and organic pulses from that really expensive shop 40 miles away.

If your life is really so dull that you feel the need to point this out, do it over private message. Don’t humiliate people in public over something that was clearly unintentional.

I’m aware this is not a duck

4. Raccoon fingers

Terrifying

5. American narrators of British history documentaries

Sorry guys, but it just doesn’t work. The Thames Archaeological Team dig does not need to be set to the American Psycho soundtrack with a jarring, out-of-place accent foreboding how “they only have 2 hours before the tide comes in and washes everything away.”

We don’t have the attention span of a 2-year-old, we are capable of following the storyline with just the voice of Tony Robinson and some light lute music to spice things up.

Quite

6. Children’s Choirs

I feel this kid

7. Photography projects on the homeless

Jesus, show a bit of decorum. There are so many crass amateur photographers out there trying to make it big by being ‘edgy’ and ‘real’. But in order to be edgy and real, it appears that you have to exploit homeless people who don’t give a fuck about your Masters in Digital Art, paid for by your parents.

“The Long Walk Home – a visual journey through homelessness through the various shoes of vagrants”
“Barbed – how one man’s barber charity is cheering up the homeless, one destitute hobo at a time”.

Get a little perspective. This is nothing but poverty porn and you know it. But hey, it’s getting you views so go for it, fucktard.

Miley, wiping a tear from her mouth

8. Goat’s eyes

Who TF has rectangle pupils??

9. People who refer to themselves as “a unicorn”

You’re not a fucking unicorn, you’re maladjusted. Grow up.

10. Russian gymnasts

Stop it

11. Guilt tripping from the bottom of the barrel

It doesn’t matter what you do nowadays, if you’re not feeling guilty about it then you are the shittest of humans. I watched a video in which people staying at a hotel were told that there wouldn’t be any bottled water available for 10 hours. The undercover cameras then filmed their reactions, which were obviously that of disbelief and annoyance, only to then show them a video about children in Africa who have to walk for 10 hours to get water.

The whole “bet you feel like a right dick now” reveal that happened afterwards was just ridiculous. You can’t compare these things. If I went to a remote village in Africa and got pissed off that my water wouldn’t be delivered to me by a small child for 10 hours, that would make me an asshole. If, however, I’ve paid €150 a night to stay in an overpriced hotel because nothing affordable seems to exist anymore, then fucking right I’ll be pissed off if there’s no water.

And it gets worse. The very next day I saw a video about a woman who had one lung and the tag line was “You take breathing for granted” – Yes I do, I take breathing 100% for granted. Every day I wake up and expect to be breathing. It’s how I know that I’m not dead. If I had to actively feel grateful for breathing, I wouldn’t be able to work, eat, or wash, because all my time would be taken up with thanking circumstance that I have a working pair of lungs.

12. People who hashtag #Prosecco in their instagram posts

Basic

So, how do I start a petition?

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