It’s been over five months since I moved to Malta and all has been quiet on the blogging front. I would regale you with tales of my recent adventures but the honest truth is, with the exception of smashing down seven Jagermeisters one night and falling into a bush, I have been relatively well-behaved.
When you first move to a new country you find yourself mostly surrounded by strangers and as a result your social life inevitably takes a bit of a temporary nose dive. Combined with my weak attempt to save money due to the oil industry well and truly fucking me in the asshole and the Mount Doom-esque temperatures outside making my hair look like I have a ball of tumble-weed stuck to my face every time I step out the house, this has resulted in me spending a lot of time indoors on the internet whilst being blissfully caressed by my air conditioning. As a consequence, this article will mostly be dealing with things on the World Wide Web that are currently pissing me off.
People need to catch a grip of themselves. Cyberspace seems to have become a land of over-sensitive, self-righteous morons with a sense of entitlement that makes Mariah Carey look like a Salvation Army volunteer. Everywhere I turn there is a barrage of conflicting information on news and social media sites that is then defended by an army of keyboard warriors who think that winning an argument over whether gluten intolerance is actually a thing is going to be their Martin Luther King Jr. moment. Like if it wasn’t for them, the Diet-Nazi minority will not be able to drink out of the same water fountain as me. Or eat the same muffins. But you can’t eat muffins because they have gluten in them so maybe you should just step the fuck away from my muffins, go eat some lemongrass and listen to Natasha Beddingfield or whatever it is you lot get up to.
I read an article recently which was written by a girl who had sex with a number of women and then proceeded to get pissy because her friends were referring to her sexuality as being that of a bi-sexual or a lesbian. She said the following: “Just because I have sex with women does not make me a lesbian” and then started banging on about how she was tired of being put in a box and labelled. I mean, what am I supposed to do with that?
It wasn’t so long ago that being gay was taboo, abhorrent to the point of criminal, and now a substantial portion of the population, myself included, are proud to come from a society where these views are no longer tolerated and most people believe that everyone is free to love whoever they choose. It’s beautiful. But then people like that go and ruin it with, well, I don’t even know. I literally don’t know what she wants from me. By all means don’t classify yourself if that’s how you feel but for the love of God don’t be offended if someone catches you chowing down on vagina and assumes you are a lesbian. We’ve only just started to make progress and yet I feel that a minority of people are encouraging regression out of fear of offence.
Sticking with the subject of homosexuality, I was having a conversation a while back with someone who suggested that the fact I had never slept with a woman is because I am in some sort of denial, suppressing my true gay feelings with the implication that I was somehow ashamed. I am not ashamed. The reason I have not slept with a woman is because I am straight. Mad for the cock, wading in scrotum, inherently attracted to all things male. I don’t understand why to some people this is now not an acceptable explanation. I shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for not being gay. I’m straight for the exact reasons that homosexuals are not straight and bi-sexuals like a bit of both. Why must we debate these things to death? It’s unnecessary, a bit antagonistic and distracting us from the real difficulties that the gay communities still face.
Another issue that is getting more than its fair share of coverage right now is that of feminist extremism. Or is it aggressive feminine equalitarianism? Or feminazism? It’s gotten so out of control that I’m not even sure what I’m supposed to call it any more. You know what I’m referring to though, the women who are destroying my life by taking offence at literally anything that comes out the mouth of a man. It is embarrassing and it is causing me no end of problems at work.
For the majority of time that I am on a drilling rig I am the only female. Increasingly I have noticed that when I first arrive on a rig the new guys just have no idea how to deal with me. They don’t know whether to offer to help me with things in case I think they are assuming I am incapable of doing the job on my own. They don’t know how far they can go with their questionable jokes or general banter in case I report them for harassment and I sometimes struggle to be included in their social activities outside of work, presumably because they expect me to be a complete fun sponge.
The thing I loved most about my job is that we all help each other out when we can, it’s a form of bonding and I get to know my colleagues much quicker when they are not terrified to talk to me. Everyone knows how much I love a dick joke and yet I am denied this pleasure as a consequence of their unease. Feminism is supposed to help me and yet I worry that I could become alienated in my workplace as a direct result of it. I am not a “male sympathiser” I am just a person. I don’t give a fuck what sex you are, let’s just hang out and feel comfortable enough to be ourselves without the threat of repercussions.
In a lot of areas of course I support feminism, I’m not an idiot. I wouldn’t have the life I have now if it wasn’t for the movement and I am massively grateful for what women throughout history have done for us. The problem I have is that I feel it has gone from an issue of fundamental rights to an assumption on my personality. “You are a woman. Understand that we do not like drawing penises on people’s faces when they are passed out drunk, we do not like cooking and cleaning, we do not like sexualised or violent video games, we do not participate in games of cock-or-ball, we are not baby making machines – we are career-driven, independent, uptight, boring-ass bastards who are so weak that we have a meltdown every time a guy makes a distasteful quip about our periods.”
I am a woman and I will decide what I feel comfortable with. Believe it or not there is a side of my personality that is completely detached from the genital lottery, a part therefore that is none of your concern, so please stop taking my fun away under the pretence of feminist progress.
Veganism. Another area of massive bullshit. It’s not the concept I have a problem with, it’s the people who ruin it for everyone else. I overheard a conversation between two vegans in a pub not so long ago. One of them ordered a vodka and Redbull to which the other, sucking air through her teeth, asked: “Oh, so you’re not a full-time vegan then?” The other girl seemed a bit confused and replied that she felt she was. “Well you can’t be if you’re drinking Redbull” was the response.
What the fuck guys? For real? Out-veganing each other?? Shouldn’t you be supportive? You are such lovers of all living creatures after all. Shouldn’t you be nurturing a tolerant, welcoming environment within your strange chlorophyll-infused club instead of smugly ostracising the very people who are trying their best to join your cause? Jesus Christ. I felt like taking that poor girl for a steak. Only drunk “lads” from Newcastle try to out-carnivore each other, the rest of us are pretty non-competitive about what we put into our bodies.
Finally, I would just like to say that I categorically do not give a shit if you read a story from a book or from a Kindle. Apparently e-books to a “real” book-reader have become the iTunes to the hipsters of vinyl martyrdom who ride around Shoreditch on their Penny Farthings eating kale-infused quinoa and wearing ridiculous shoes. Sometimes I read physical books, sometimes I read e-books. It depends how near a book shop I am and how desperate I am to read a particular story. It’s what technology is for, it gives us that choice. The fact that people genuinely sneer at this would be almost comedic if it wasn’t so infuriating.
Sometimes I think humans have become far too self-aware. That there is too much berating advice, too much chastising, too many eggshells and too much pressure to be this enlightened being of egotism and pomposity who will always know better than everyone else. I often wish things were simpler, like that I was a dog or something, just playing with inanimate objects for hours then going to sleep blissful in the ignorance of anything other than basic survival and procreation.
Maybe I will join a cult like that one in New Zealand where they just feed and impregnate me. That removal of choice right now seems like such luxury! Of course this could never happen, I don’t think they have Wi-Fi so I’d have a terrible time but I’m sure you get my point. I’m fed up of wondering if I should feed my baby organic food (I’m not even remotely pregnant for fuck’s sake), or how I’m going to support myself financially when I’m too old to work or if I’ve eaten enough fish this week to combat the myriad of cancer risks I expose myself to on a daily basis.
I shall conclude with the case of the professor Sir Tim Hunt who jokingly suggested that women shouldn’t work in labs because they keep falling in love with everyone and crying. A 71 year old Nobel Prize winner who has made significant discoveries in the areas of physiology and medicine reduced to being defined by a joke. Admittedly a shit, ‘ill-advised’ joke, but not one that I feel warranted his being torn to shreds, humiliated by the media and public to the point that he felt he had to resign.
It’s like the whole of society is expected to live by the standards of the most easily offended person, the one least capable of taking a joke. How is that fair? If we keep unquestionably relenting to these fucktards we are going to end up in a world without laughter and that, sir, is a world that I do not want to live in. Please, I implore you to stop trying to recruit me into your righteousness. I’m a lost cause, an utter disgrace of a human being, and no overbearing man, woman, lesbian, bi-sexual, gluten-intolerant, vegan, white, black, misogynistic, book-reading hipster is ever going to change that.