It’s no secret that I love Jason Derulo and I refuse to be embarrassed by this. Anyone who can sing about trumpets – possibly the stupidest, most un-sexy instrument in the world – and get away with it will always have my respect. The man is hilarious and I’m tired of people writing him off as just another shitty, pop cunt who feels the need to tell people his name at the beginning of every song. He is so much more than that and using a selection of some of my favourite lyrics of his I will attempt to prove why.
“Our conversations ain’t long, but you know what is”
– Ha! He’s talking about his penis!
“No matter what you say, you always sound sexy to me”
-Hey Jason, my piles are giving me some serious jip today. Do me.
“So open the curtains, and let me inside for more”
-Lol. Beef curtain joke.
“Oh I want the world to see, so I regulate some jewellery”
-As if the man ain’t busy enough, he’s a regulator in the accessories industry making sure African children aren’t dying for diamonds or some shit.
“I’ve been looking under rocks and breaking locks”
-He fucks crabs and robs old ladies. Badass.
“I met her at a bar, the look she gave me said I wouldn’t get far, but that ain’t never stop me”
-He’s a little bit rapey.
“Bitch, I’m a star”
-And possibly a little gay-fabulous.
“Sold out arenas, you can suck my penis”
-He doesn’t fuck about with stupid things like subtlety, and he doesn’t need to ask me twice.
“This girl on my lap’s passing out, she’s a blonde”
-He’s all about the detail. The random detail.
“Just when you thought the water park couldn’t get no wetter, I’m dripping down her back like I’m doing it in my sweater”
-He’ll cum all over you on Splash Mountain. Mad skillz.
“I got lipstick stamps on my passport, I think I need a new one”
-He understands the importance of personal document maintenance.
“And I know papa got diabetes so I must watch what I eat”
-He’s health conscious.
“Her pussy’s so good I bought her a pet”
-He bought me sea monkeys. Make of that what you will.
“Is it weird that your eyes remind me of a Coldplay song?”
-What, Yellow? My liver has been a bit tender lately, I’ll go get that checked out. Boom, Jason Derulo just saved my life.
“Is it weird that I hear trumpets when you’re turning me on?”
-Sorry love, that was my arse. God damn refried beans.
“Walking the dog in my neighbourhood, said I never would”
-You shouldn’t have bought a dog if you couldn’t handle the responsibility Jason.
“Every picture I take, I pose a threat”
“Jeans are on the floor, tipsy on the floor”
-He is well aware that the same word rhymes with itself, whether the sentence makes sense is not important.
“I wanna cum anywhere you want me to”
-In my dog’s asshole. Hey! You said anywhere. No take-backs.
“Shake what your mama gave you”
-A predisposition for bladder weakness? Well okayyy, if you’re sure…
“Let me take you home and I kill that girl with two stones”
-What? Is he talking about his balls? *slow nod*…..Nice work JD.
“Yum, pussy bum”
“A future with a dog named Ben”
-He doesn’t waste your time with vague detail.
“I deeply penetrate it, then I take it out and wipe it off”
-But he’ll never use your good towels, only the ones you use when you’re on your period or dying your hair.
So, yeah, there you have it. I think you’ll find the evidence indisputable – Jason Derulo is the most under-rated, lyrical comedy genius of our time. And just think, if Chris Brown hadn’t gone all Street Fighter on Rihanna’s face, JD may never have had his time to shine. It almost doesn’t bear thinking about.