Posted in Video

2010 vs. 1976 Through the Medium of Ronnie Corbett

I don’t know, I think they both win.

2010:

1976:

P.S. “Billhooks” is apparently cockney rhyming slang for bollocks.  I didn’t get it so I had to google it.

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Posted in Picture, Writing

Lisa’s Pieces – Gingwa & Friends

Lisa phoned a bar/restaurant to book a table for dinner.  When she got there, this is what she found on her table:

Lisa Gingwa? I thought I was supposed to be the Chinese one.

Does Gingwa sound anything like Dingwall?  I really dont think it does. It sounds more like the name of a spray to keep gingers away:

“Too many gingers in your vicinity?  Try ‘Gingwa’ – the new environmentally friendly ginger repellant from Johnson & Johnson.”

I’ve been called Mr. Bingwall by Sky Customer Services before but I have never had anyone mishear it this badly. 

Also, I’m not sure how happy I am about the management inviting complete strangers to use their arses to keep my seat warm.  I would prefer a cold, stranger-arse free seat I think.

Posted in Writing

Dear Neighbour, You Are a Bastard.

My neighbour is a total bastard and I have written this letter to him detailing exactly why I feel this way. I’m going to Sellotape it to the front door this afternoon and hope it brings an end to his total bastardness.

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Dear Neighbour,

Last night you rang my buzzer at half past midnight.  Since my boyfriend has a job that involves getting up at 6.00am, we were in our bed. Asleep. You woke us up and caused our dog to go crazy which in turn probably woke up the people sleeping above us. All because you needed into the building and you don’t give a shit who you disturb to achieve this.

This highly irritating use of MY buzzer has been going on for a year now.  That is one year of me throwing on some clothes / jumping out the shower / being woken up / pausing my movie at a really significant point in the plot / rushing my pee / calming my dog down – only to hear you merrily skipping up the stairs to your flat a few seconds later. 

Despite being politely asked TWICE to refrain from ringing my buzzer whenever you feel like it you still don’t seem to understand exactly how much it pisses me off.  This flat is my home, I bought it, and I have a right to live in it without being constantly disturbed by you and your selfish friends.

I have been trying to think of ways to make you stop and I thought that maybe next time you ring the buzzer I will not stop what I’m doing, I will just answer the door in whatever state you have interrupted me.  This could be naked and in mid-pee.  I don’t think you would like to see that. Or maybe I will forget to put my dog on his lead.  But then again, I love my dog, and I would hate to see him come to any harm by potentially choking on your genitals.

No, instead (because I know who you are), I have contacted your estate agent and acquired your landlord’s telephone number.  If you ring my buzzer once more, I WILL phone and lodge an official complaint and, like your repeated buzzer use, I will not stop until someone does something about it.   Have a wonderful day now!

Flat B
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Oh God, it’s happening.  I’m turning into a grumpy old lady.  I better go and practice bursting footballs with a meatcleaver.  Pesky kids.