I hate swans. Really, really hate swans. I got attacked by a swan on a golf course in Florida in 1993. Had to kick it in the face.
Another incident occured at a beach party one night in the Bridge of Don a couple of years ago. A swan decided to start flying around in the pitch dark right next to me but I couldn’t see anything so when I heard the sound of its freakishly large wings hitting the water I thought we were being attacked by terrorists with sawn-off shotguns. I tried to throw bits of bonfire at it but it didn’t care, they aren’t scared of anything.
It is with some disgust, therefore, that I am posting the latest of Lisa’s pictures sent to me on purpose from a park of some description:
I can see Lisa’s boyfriend Dan’s foot in the corner! He’s far too close. They don’t want your bread Dan, they want your soul. Kick them in the face!!
-They can fly as fast as 50 to 60 miles per hour.
-Some have a wing span of 10 feet.
-Adult males have been known to use a blow from the “knucklebone” of their wing to defend their family.
-This blow is said to be strong enough to break a man’s arm.
-The adult male is the only known bird to have a penis.
So, not only are they fast, large and violent beasts capable of breaking bones with their feathery knucklebone-uppercuts, they are also potential rapists. I fucking knew it!
God, imagine getting raped by a swan…
There would be a lot of blinking.