When people ask me what kind of things I’m into, I generally say “What do you mean? Like taking a dump on my boyfriend’s genitals or watching midget porn?” Usually, and disappointingly, they reply “No, I mean like photography or amateur dramatics”. After the awkward silence I will reel off a list of the things I like. Near the top of this list is darts, the mention of which usually results in a reaction of greater disgust than when I mentioned excrement-sex. Why do people have such a problem with darts? It is the most beautiful sport in the world! Yes, I called it a sport, put that in your pipe and shove it up your ass.
The main reason for my love of darts is that, in my opinion, I feel it is the last of the working man’s sports. Even I remember the days back in the 80’s when footballers drank in my dad’s local and were just regular guys, the majority of which had day-jobs. They were young, normal boys who were a bit better at football than everyone else and as a result got to play it a bit more than everyone else. Above all, and much more importantly, a lot of them had handle-bar moustaches and a minor drinking problem. They were all the things that men are supposed to be; untidy, hairy and a bit stinky. Look at them now, they make me physically sick. They use fake tan, they wax their chests, they advertise things, their wives are clinically retarded and their wardrobe is more important to them than consensual sex. They earn far too much money for what they do and, sadly, kids can’t get enough of them.
Darts on the other hand is not ashamed to admit that it is not perfect. Darts doesn’t give a fuck. It eats pies, drinks beer, swears and scratches its balls whilst simultaneously farting. Now I agree that this is an equally unhealthy role model for young children but it is by far the more fun of the two. At least you will develop some sort of banter that will ensure you are an enjoyable person to be around. Dying of a heart attack at 35 is surely a small price to pay for this? Anyway, have you seen the young Dutch guys in the PDC nowadays? They are extremely fit and they rarely drink. In fact most darts players are professional sportsmen and it’s about time they were treated that way. It’s a high pressure sport that few can master and yet they are still viewed as the outcasts of sporting society.
I have been to many a televised darts event and can safely say that they have been the most enjoyable nights I’ve ever had. I usually begin the evening with a pint and a pie (something I would rarely do in my everyday life so it is a pretty special moment for me). I will then sit down at my table, half of which will be full of people I don’t know but am soon to become best friends with, and begin my quest to think of a catchy line to put on my card that might get me on TV. The rest of the night will be spent drinking, laughing, screaming, getting autographs and trying to sneak into the Player’s Lounge. The vast majority of the players are approachable, normal guys and no one in the room gives a shit what you look like or where you’re from. There are often arguments but rarely fights and there is always drama between the players. What more could you possibly want from an evening?
I think when it comes down to it, all the things that dart haters dislike about the sport are the same things that make me love it: It’s fun and unpretentious. ‘Fun’, for those of you who have forgotten, was something that people had before the Food Standards Agency and Health & Safety Executive took it away from us and replaced it with that guilty feeling you get after a day-time wank. Fuck them I say! Find your nearest darts team and go and bloody enjoy yourself. In the words of a poncey, public-school scrote-sack that I was once forced to speak to: “Darts is nothing but 2D, trash TV”……….and long may it continue my friends, long may it continue.
A 1988 darts montage just for you. Back when men were men and moustaches were a way of life……..