Two months ago I turned 30. The night before the big day I went to sleep disliking Sheryl Crow but woke up the next morning thinking she was a truly exciting and valid artist. It really does happen that fast. I got up and was relieved to see that there was a substantial amount of presents in the corner of the living room. This was good, I needed something to distract me from the sudden realisation that I was going to have to start thinking of a valid reason for being unmarried with no kids. ‘I can’t be arsed’ and ‘I’d rather spend the money on beer’ was now going to make me sound more like an alcoholic lesbian than a care-free youth.
I was genuinely surprised (and slightly teary) to discover that my first present was an iPad. People have suggested to me that this ‘oversized iphone’ is an unnecessary, almost gimmicky bit of gadgetry. To them I say: “Fuck you!” and then I say “You need to re-evaluate the shambles that is your life and take responsibility for the fact that you just air-quoted the phrase ‘oversized iphone’, now be gone!” and then I say “Damnit, that would have sounded amazing if I had thought of it before they got in their car and drove away…………three weeks ago”. Reluctantly, however, I am going to have to agree with these gimps. No one needs an iPad, not even disabled people, and they need everything. It doesn’t really do anything that other products can’t already do, but if we all thought like that we would never have been blessed with such gems as: The Jesus-shaped toast stencil, the plastic banana protection case, the Slanket, the George Foreman Grill or literally anything sold by JML in all good Poundstretcher shops.
In other words, I am in love with my iPad. Completely and utterly, head over heels, madly in love with my iPad. We sleep together, we shower together, we cook together, we drink together, we sing the timeless Foreigner classic ‘Feels Like The First Time’ together………it’s our song. The main reason I love the iPad is motivated by complete laziness. It’s not so much what you can do with it, it’s where you can do it. I can personalize it to the last detail so that it only contains things that I want to read about/watch/listen to and then take it with me to work, on a plane or, more importantly, to the bathroom. No more having to turn on the TV if I want to watch TV, no more having to buy a newspaper if I want to read a newspaper and best of all, no more having to boot up my piece of shit laptop to check my emails. In comparison my laptop is like a giant, bumbling, club-footed beast, offensive to the point of Lady Gaga’s face.
Despite all this love, it pains me to say that there are two slight flaws with my new possession. The first one is the bed sores that I have been gradually developing over the past couple of months. The iPad makes it almost impossible to get out of bed. This is my morning routine: Wake up, pick up iPad, open facebook, try to scratch my eyeballs out to stop myself from having to read the immense pile of shit that some people feel the need to share with the world, close facebook, open Twitter, see if it is possible for Kanye West to be any more mental, close Twitter, open BBC News, read about Chilean Miners, close BBC News, open ITV Showbiz News, stare at Cheryl Cole’s amazing face, close ITV Showbiz News, open this blog, see if anyone has left me a comment (that would be a no), close this blog. By the time I have done all this it’s like 2 o’clock in the afternoon and I have bed sores, but holy shit I am INFORMED!
The second flaw is the necessity to sacrifice one arm in order to carry the iPad around the house with me everywhere. I’m basically an amputee. I’m eligible for the 2012 Paralympic shotput event and I’m learning how to play the piano with my feet. If I’m honest it’s not ideal, but do not panic because I have a plan. I watched this programme last week on Bravo called ‘We Find Your Medical Misfortune Fucking Hilarious’ and it featured this giant fat woman who had misplaced her TV remote. Turns out it had made its way between two of her fat rolls and had been sitting there for like 18 months. In that time the skin had engulfed the remote and kind of merged with it so that the remote had actually become part of the fat woman. I thought this would be a great way to enable me to keep both hands free while still having the iPad at my fingertips. It’s been a couple of days and so far it hasn’t even latched on but I’ll keep you updated on any progress.
Now that I have covered the pros and inconsequential cons of the iPad I am going to retire, re-group and eventually return to write a completely useless guide to the apps that I think deserve a place on my home screen. In the meantime I suggest that you sell your children to Somalian pirates and go buy one immediately. Just sit back and let Steve Jobs put that snooker ball in your mouth, I promise it hurts good.
Have a listen: Foreigner – Feels Like the First Time