Dear iTunes……

Dear iTunes,

What the fuck is your problem?  Were you abused as a child?  Was your uncle some sort of salivating paedo?  I only ask because I want an explanation for why you feel the need to behave like a total cock every minute of every day.  I am writing to let you know that it is no longer acceptable and it ends here.

I will start by addressing the endless ‘ping-pong’-ing noise you make every 10 seconds when my iPhone is connected to you.  It’s like the electronic equivalent of open-mouth breathing right next to my ear when I am trying to watch TV.  From now on you will ‘ping pong’ once and once only and this will function as a signal to me that I have successfully connected my device to you.  I appreciate how amusing it must be to watch me spend all afternoon going  “Oh good it’s connected………oh wait, no it’s not……..it is now……….okay now it’s not”  but when I am half way through transferring a movie you are in danger of causing me to self harm – and not in an atmospheric, Twilighty way, I mean like I want to ram blunt cutlery into my eyeballs.

Next thing we are going to deal with is your worrying inability to stop yourself from syncing.  It’s as if you can’t even control yourself, like you’re some sort of syncing junkie.  Just calm the fuck down!  I will sync when I am ready, it is not up to you and it’s not a fucking race.  It wouldn’t be so bad if good things happened when you sync but good things never happen.  The other week I spent two entire days transferring various entertainments onto you, only for you to sync like an absolute gypsy and decide that, in fact, two-thirds of these files needed to be taken off.  I am also pretty sure that you regularly wait until I’m asleep before syncing like a horny teenager.  You disgust me.

Also, for something whose main purpose in life is to transfer music, you make it Krypton-Factor impossible.  I am not a software designer but if someone asked me to design a package that transferred music from one device to another, call me retarded but I would probably put a ‘transfer’ button somewhere pretty obvious.  I had to google how to transfer music and even then it became clear that no one in this universe has a fucking clue how to do it.  In reverse order, here are the top 5 suggestions that your users are offering me:

5. Click ‘manually manage music’ then drag and drop – Rarely works

4. Tick the boxes next to the songs then go to the drop down menu and click ‘export’ – Never works

3. Go on a journey of self-discovery, learn a martial art, consult the Dalai Lama – Can’t be arsed

2. Genocide – Go on, I’m listening……

1. You cannot transfer music using iTunes – High five

Okay, I will admit that I am slightly exaggerating and that there have been occasions when the exact songs I wanted have transferred over without removing things I didn’t want removed.  I have to stress though that in 18 months this has happened twice and both times I don’t know what I did.  What normally happens is I will click ‘manually manage music’, drag and drop one song (because, believe it or not, sometimes I only want to add one song) and you say “Yeah, that’s totally fine, just give me a minute while I delete the entire music library from your phone first and then I will put it on for you”.  You’re an arsehole!!

Oh yeah, I am on to you iTunes.  I’ve seen your type a hundred times.  Bullied as a child for having a misshapen head and badly fitting jeans.  You’re bitter and vindictive and you need help.  I suggest investing in some counselling and we will take it from there.  We can start slowly, nothing major, maybe try something simple like taking less than 6 FUCKING MONTHS to back up my iPad.  In the meantime, I hate you.  Goodbye.

 

Love and warmest wishes,

Jillian xxx