Scotland Haters – Stop Involving Me in Your Nonsense

In many ways it saddens me that I even have to have this discussion (and by discussion I mean I will be the only one talking), but I feel a responsibility to share this recent and unfortunate issue in an attempt to prevent it from escalating into violence.

Throughout my childhood and teenage years, living and working with people of different nationalities was never a problem for anyone. Aside from the usual friendly banter with some of the English kids – “We invaded and ruled over you for centuries” followed by the superb comeback “Yeah? Well we invented stamps…….and Tarmac” – the supposed rivalry was really nowhere to be seen.  Since becoming an adult 4 months ago, however, I have had nothing but ball-ache about the whole thing and really, I’m finding it about as enjoyable as a yeast infection.     

Here are some examples of conversations people have tried to involve me in:

At work:
- “Do you know what they’re giving us for lunch today, Jillian?”
- “Stovies”
- “Aw for fucks sake, what is the deal with Scottish people and stovies??  It’s just leftovers.  So disgusting.  Mushy, luke-warm, artery-clogging leftovers.”
- “Well I think it originates from back in the day when no one in Scotland had any food ‘cos you cunts ate it all. It’s considered quite traditional”.
- “Hmm, do you not think it’s about time you brought your traditions into the 21st century? You guys have plenty of food now, there’s no need to eat leftovers anymore”.

First of all, I didn’t invent stovies, stop talking to me like stovies are my doing.  Second of all, despite what people tell you, I’m not really influential enough to change the eating habits of an entire nation. Thirdly, you’re from Yorkshire, what the hell do you think Betty’s Hotpot is? Fucking leftovers. You guys eat the exact same things, changing the ratio of your ingredients does not make you better than me.

On a training course:
- “Up to anything exciting tonight, Jillian?”
- “Billy got a recipe for haggis soup from a guy at his work so I think we are going to give it a bash”.
- “Haggis soup?? Haggis…………soup?…………..Bloody savages.”

Well, sir, if you bothered to take a few minutes of your time to have a conversation with me, you would realise that I too think that haggis soup is quite a strange thing to eat. Also, if you knew anything about Scottish culture you would know that we love being referred to as savages, so thanks!  Now I wonder if you will look that smug when my dog is savaging your testicles?

This one is my favourite…..

At the pub:
“Why are Scottish people so genuinely happy when we lose at football?  We support you guys when you play.”

Firstly, stop whining and grow a set.  Secondly, of course you support us, you know we will lose. It’s like supporting that forest-dwelling rapist, Wagner.  You only voted for him because he was shit. If he had actually won the X-factor and released an album, you would not have bought it. We would support England if they were shit at football, but they’re not, they’re pretty good.  At the end of the day we are jealous and will openly admit this. When you lose it makes us feel better about our shocking lack of sporting talent.

You may be surprised to hear that it’s not just people of other nationalities who bore me with their jovial snobbery.  I have had numerous conversations with Scottish people who bizarrely think it’s acceptable to attack Aberdeen.  Yes, I get it, Aberdeen is a shit-hole – I whole-heartedly agree – but last I heard Glasgow city centre wasn’t the picture of utopian sunshine either. I don’t mind when people say Aberdeen is horrendous. What I do mind is when they say it in a tone that implies that everywhere else in Britain is on a par with fucking Monaco.  It clearly is not!  Britain as a whole is a terrible place and every town is fundamentally the same.  Same junkies dominating the queues at the local Spar, same generic high streets with the same shops, same ned-kids playing Cascada full blast on their shit phones at the back of the bus and the same greasy, fat, 40 year old women chasing their 25 kids around Iceland with a claw-hammer.  Don’t tell me I’m shit when you are clearly just as shit.

I appreciate that there are some hideously racist Scottish people out there (as there are in every nationality) and our food is questionable at times, but if you really feel so strongly about it I suggest that you either stop moaning at me and take it up with them or, like me, try not giving a fuck.  Do you have any idea how much energy it takes to repeatedly defend a country?  I cant be arsed hoovering never mind fending off constant digs at Scottish society. And before you start, no, I am not one of those weirdos who fantasises about wanking violently into William Wallace’s beard – I love taking the piss out of Scotland and by constantly attacking it you are denying me this right.  It’s petty and it’s rude and while I’m here, get some hills, your freakishly flat landscape makes me clammy with discomfort.

Why I Heart the Dart

When people ask me what kind of things I’m into, I generally say “What do you mean? Like taking a dump on my boyfriend’s genitals or watching midget porn?” Usually, and disappointingly, they reply “No, I mean like photography or amateur dramatics”.  After the awkward silence I will reel off a list of the things I like.  Near the top of this list is darts, the mention of which usually results in a reaction of greater disgust than when I mentioned excrement-sex.  Why do people have such a problem with darts?  It is the most beautiful sport in the world!  Yes, I called it a sport, put that in your pipe and shove it up your ass.

The main reason for my love of darts is that, in my opinion, I feel it is the last of the working man’s sports.  Even I remember the days back in the 80′s when footballers drank in my dad’s local and were just regular guys, the majority of which had day-jobs.  They were young, normal boys who were a bit better at football than everyone else and as a result got to play it a bit more than everyone else.  Above all, and much more importantly, a lot of them had handle-bar moustaches and a minor drinking problem.  They were all the things that men are supposed to be; untidy, hairy and a bit stinky.  Look at them now, they make me physically sick.  They use fake tan, they wax their chests, they advertise things, their wives are clinically retarded and their wardrobe is more important to them than consensual sex. They earn far too much money for what they do and, sadly, kids can’t get enough of them.

Darts on the other hand is not ashamed to admit that it is not perfect.  Darts doesn’t give a fuck.  It eats pies, drinks beer, swears and scratches its balls whilst simultaneously farting.  Now I agree that this is an equally unhealthy role model for young children but it is by far the more fun of the two.  At least you will develop some sort of banter that will ensure you are an enjoyable person to be around. Dying of a heart attack at 35 is surely a small price to pay for this?  Anyway, have you seen the young Dutch guys in the PDC nowadays? They are extremely fit and they rarely drink.  In fact most darts players are professional sportsmen and it’s about time they were treated that way.  It’s a high pressure sport that few can master and yet they are still viewed as the outcasts of sporting society.

I have been to many a televised darts event and can safely say that they have been the most enjoyable nights I’ve ever had.  I usually begin the evening with a pint and a pie (something I would rarely do in my everyday life so it is a pretty special moment for me).  I will then sit down at my table, half of which will be full of people I don’t know but am soon to become best friends with, and begin my quest to think of a catchy line to put on my card that might get me on TV.  The rest of the night will be spent drinking, laughing, screaming, getting autographs and trying to sneak into the Player’s Lounge.  The vast majority of the players are approachable, normal guys and no one in the room gives a shit what you look like or where you’re from.  There are often arguments but rarely fights and there is always drama between the players.  What more could you possibly want from an evening?

I think when it comes down to it, all the things that dart haters dislike about the sport are the same things that make me love it:  It’s fun and unpretentious.  ‘Fun’, for those of you who have forgotten, was something that people had before the Food Standards Agency and Health & Safety Executive took it away from us and replaced it with that guilty feeling you get after a day-time wank.  Fuck them I say! Find your nearest darts team and go and bloody enjoy yourself. In the words of a poncey, public-school scrote-sack that I was once forced to speak to: “Darts is nothing but 2D, trash TV”……….and long may it continue my friends, long may it continue.

 

A 1988 darts montage just for you.  Back when men were men and moustaches were a way of life……..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GgW6jxU1EGU&feature=related