Scotland Haters – Stop Involving Me in Your Nonsense

In many ways it saddens me that I even have to have this discussion (and by discussion I mean I will be the only one talking), but I feel a responsibility to share this recent and unfortunate issue in an attempt to prevent it from escalating into violence.

Throughout my childhood and teenage years, living and working with people of different nationalities was never a problem for anyone. Aside from the usual friendly banter with some of the English kids – “We invaded and ruled over you for centuries” followed by the superb comeback “Yeah? Well we invented stamps…….and Tarmac” – the supposed rivalry was really nowhere to be seen.  Since becoming an adult 4 months ago, however, I have had nothing but ball-ache about the whole thing and really, I’m finding it about as enjoyable as a yeast infection.     

Here are some examples of conversations people have tried to involve me in:

At work:
- “Do you know what they’re giving us for lunch today, Jillian?”
- “Stovies”
- “Aw for fucks sake, what is the deal with Scottish people and stovies??  It’s just leftovers.  So disgusting.  Mushy, luke-warm, artery-clogging leftovers.”
- “Well I think it originates from back in the day when no one in Scotland had any food ‘cos you cunts ate it all. It’s considered quite traditional”.
- “Hmm, do you not think it’s about time you brought your traditions into the 21st century? You guys have plenty of food now, there’s no need to eat leftovers anymore”.

First of all, I didn’t invent stovies, stop talking to me like stovies are my doing.  Second of all, despite what people tell you, I’m not really influential enough to change the eating habits of an entire nation. Thirdly, you’re from Yorkshire, what the hell do you think Betty’s Hotpot is? Fucking leftovers. You guys eat the exact same things, changing the ratio of your ingredients does not make you better than me.

On a training course:
- “Up to anything exciting tonight, Jillian?”
- “Billy got a recipe for haggis soup from a guy at his work so I think we are going to give it a bash”.
- “Haggis soup?? Haggis…………soup?…………..Bloody savages.”

Well, sir, if you bothered to take a few minutes of your time to have a conversation with me, you would realise that I too think that haggis soup is quite a strange thing to eat. Also, if you knew anything about Scottish culture you would know that we love being referred to as savages, so thanks!  Now I wonder if you will look that smug when my dog is savaging your testicles?

This one is my favourite…..

At the pub:
“Why are Scottish people so genuinely happy when we lose at football?  We support you guys when you play.”

Firstly, stop whining and grow a set.  Secondly, of course you support us, you know we will lose. It’s like supporting that forest-dwelling rapist, Wagner.  You only voted for him because he was shit. If he had actually won the X-factor and released an album, you would not have bought it. We would support England if they were shit at football, but they’re not, they’re pretty good.  At the end of the day we are jealous and will openly admit this. When you lose it makes us feel better about our shocking lack of sporting talent.

You may be surprised to hear that it’s not just people of other nationalities who bore me with their jovial snobbery.  I have had numerous conversations with Scottish people who bizarrely think it’s acceptable to attack Aberdeen.  Yes, I get it, Aberdeen is a shit-hole – I whole-heartedly agree – but last I heard Glasgow city centre wasn’t the picture of utopian sunshine either. I don’t mind when people say Aberdeen is horrendous. What I do mind is when they say it in a tone that implies that everywhere else in Britain is on a par with fucking Monaco.  It clearly is not!  Britain as a whole is a terrible place and every town is fundamentally the same.  Same junkies dominating the queues at the local Spar, same generic high streets with the same shops, same ned-kids playing Cascada full blast on their shit phones at the back of the bus and the same greasy, fat, 40 year old women chasing their 25 kids around Iceland with a claw-hammer.  Don’t tell me I’m shit when you are clearly just as shit.

I appreciate that there are some hideously racist Scottish people out there (as there are in every nationality) and our food is questionable at times, but if you really feel so strongly about it I suggest that you either stop moaning at me and take it up with them or, like me, try not giving a fuck.  Do you have any idea how much energy it takes to repeatedly defend a country?  I cant be arsed hoovering never mind fending off constant digs at Scottish society. And before you start, no, I am not one of those weirdos who fantasises about wanking violently into William Wallace’s beard – I love taking the piss out of Scotland and by constantly attacking it you are denying me this right.  It’s petty and it’s rude and while I’m here, get some hills, your freakishly flat landscape makes me clammy with discomfort.

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